Grace.

These were some pretty flowers Al brought home to me one bad day about 2 weeks ago. I was just having ONE of those days. Everything was making me mad. I felt like no one was helping around the house. I even remember the thought, crossing my mind, that I hardly ever get flowers "just because." Then he shows up with these pretty little tulips. I love tulips. They are some of my favorites. They are graceful. They stand so straight and tall. Thin. They don't scream "Look at me! I'm a beautiful flower!" They just go about their happy business of bringing joy and beauty to their surroundings. They seem to have a slight, self possessed smile that they wear even when they do start to droop. And the life seems to drain out of them slowly. They aren't like some other flowers that POP open, loudly exclaiming they are HERE! "Look over here! Look at me! I am bright and beautiful! Seriously...LOOK!...oh, wait, I'm dying. My petals are falling off...I'm done." It probably sounds cheesy and a little contrived, but I am reminded by this analogy that I need to be more like this. Graceful. Self Possessed. I allow myself to get bedraggled by the weight of Motherhood and being a good Wife, taking care of the laundry, housekeeping, etc... I find myself to be like a pendulum, always seeking rest but finding myself swinging back and forth. I don't mean "rest" like sleep or relaxation. I'm speaking more of the "rest" of feeling like I'm doing just what I'm supposed to be doing. Making my children feel seen and loved. Feeding my spiritual needs. Loving and supporting my husband. Taking care of our home. Getting the time in that my creative side needs. Time speeds on whether I've done what I needed to get done and that adds a weight of it's own. I turn 40 in about 8 weeks. I think that might have something to do with this internal push to get things more figured out. All in all, I'm interested in being more aware, consciously, of having a grateful heart and of being more forgiving of others and myself. Grace. It all comes down to Grace, doesn't it? What we give ourselves, our loved ones, strangers, and what we recognize coming from God. We are trying to 'fit' it all in. When really we should be trying to 'see' and 'feel' and 'give'. Slowly, with thoughtfulness, and care. It seems counter intuitive to say I need to forgive myself more. That sounds so selfish when I transgress against others so much! But, I think I'm hard on myself. I know so many women that are hard on themselves. How often do you speak to your own mind with love, care, grace? I know that I am quick to reprimand myself and judge, harshly. Then that translates to how I treat others. I have a shorter temper and I'm quick to misjudge another and their motives or circumstances. We have such a great example, of how to speak, act, behave toward others, in the Savior. How often do we try to exercise that kindness to ourselves? I'm going to try harder to give myself a break. Give myself the benefit of the doubt. I think that will not only help me but how I view and treat others. Right now I look to external people or things to validate that I'm doing enough. I need to look inward more. Calm down. Look around to what I'm giving. Not the tangible things to "give" but what thoughts and activities get my energy. Does that make sense? Not "giving" to myself in terms of treats or breaks (although, a really good piece of dark chocolate now and then can do wonders!) but giving myself the benefit of positive thoughts. Stopping those tapes that can play in every woman's head that we just aren't doing enough or we failed because we didn't get that "thing" done. Doesn't it sound nice to stop and with every ounce of your awareness think about the positive things you are doing at that very moment? Give yourself a breath today and then give yourself a little pat on the back. You are doing well. You are doing good.

Lilly is wearing panties now. We ran out of diapers and so I told her she would have to start wearing panties full time. She'd doing so well. Still she has accidents. This morning she woke up with pee in her pull ups. The morning before she had stayed dry all night and she was so proud of herself. This morning I sensed she felt sorry that her pull-ups weren't dry. She looked disappointed. I would never, ever, in a million years think to tell her she did something wrong by peeing in her pull-ups. Why, then, are we so quick to get down on ourselves when we "fail" to live up to our expectations. We did it right once so we can't do it wrong again? We aren't ever going to be perfect in this earth life. EVER. As long as we stay afloat and recognize when we need to change course or improve, we'll have a better chance of seeing the joy in our daily lives. Endure...but with joy. Stand as straight and tall as you can but even when you start to droop keep looking graceful with a smile on your face. Because, you will droop. No question.