This post will seem wildly out of place when looking at the previous post, especially. But this is my journal, too. I want to remember some things even when they aren't cute or pithy. This morning, while talking with Alan about a dear friend that has experienced 7 miscarriages and is now very far along in her pregnancy, Al and I were saying how wonderful this is for her and how we just hope and pray that from here out all will go well for her (them.) Alan went on to say (and he has said this before) how lucky we were that we didn't have to go through losing babies. We were in the "lucky" minority of unexplained infertility that never experienced even one pregnancy in nearly 14 years of trying. I knew what Alan meant, and I have even agreed with him on this point before. However, this morning was a different story. I launched into a sobbing mess. On the topic of infertility I tend to hold it together. I can honestly say that Alan has cried more on the topic than I have. Humor helps me most of the time on these subjects. I have shed tears before... I don't know what it was about this morning's conversation, but it touched a raw nerve. Perhaps heightened by the cavern in my belly that no longer holds a uterus or ovaries. I'm just having a little pity party for myself this morning. The tears are still here. I love the sisterhood of women. That we can support each other in difficulty and pedicures. Through recipes and tantrums. Still, there is a gigantic percentage of women I will never be a part of. I can't just casually reminisce about any of the parts of pregnancy. And, you probably don't realize this, it happens a lot. Women talk about pregnancy in almost every gathering. They aren't even aware how much. I never take offense. That is like asking everyone to stop talking about their experience eating a chocolate chip cookie. Sure, it is warm and gooey and yummy, especially with a nice glass of cold milk nearby. But not everyone CAN eat chocolate. Should we all stop talking about it just in case someone might have an allergy to chocolate? (I don't even know if that makes sense!)
I think, on some level, I feel a sense of guilt for still being sad about never giving birth since I have been blessed with these two amazing, wonderful children. I love their birth stories and would not trade THAT experience for anything!
Women...we are just complicated, aren't we? Thanks for listening and letting me cry on your shoulders. I do love this sisterhood of women. . :)
11 comments:
Oh Wendy, I'm sad you're sad! But you're right, isn't this sisterhood the best so we can talk to each other?! You haven't been pregnant, but you have such amazing adoption stories that my kids will never have. You are such a great person and I'm so happy to be your friend. Cheer up! Eat some of those banana goodies you made:).
Wendy, I cried when I read this. Some things just don't make sense! I am so glad that I have such a sweet cousin, and that I am able to learn from you. You can cry on my shoulder anytime. Love ya!
I'm sorry your sad, I only can slightly relate. We had some infertility problems in the beginning and now have the opposite problem. I always feel guilty when I am reminded that not everyone gets the same outcome. You are a wonderful mom and have such a cute family!
Love you Wendy! You are an amazing mom and are very lucky to have had the experiences that you've had in getting your children. I know it doesnt make the loss seem any less.. if you makes you feel any better (which it probably doesnt) I don't remember at ALL what it feels like to be pregnant and we've been trying again for over 2 years now and I don't know that I'll ever get the chance again, it makes me sad!
{{{{hugs}}}} I hope we, as your sis-in-loves, have become a bit more sensitive over the years.
"Not flesh of my flesh,nor bone of my bone,but still miraculously my own.Never forget for a single minute you did not grow under my heart but in it "
I have noticed too how women's conversations always have pregnancy in them.......it's the only thing I have in common with some.....being single until 34 . now has me hanging out with the 20 year olds who got married out of high school and have 4 kids already. Sometimes it would be nice to talk about something more stimulating :) sorry you're sad today. I'll be checking your blog often. You are one of my favorite people from my mission :)
Wendy,
You are so amazing at how you handle anything that comes your way that I'm afraid I'm not nearly as sensitive as I should be. But I also appreciate that you are so understanding of people who may inadvertantly say things that touch upon tender parts of your heart. You are such an example to me and I love bonding with you over things we have in common!
Sniffle. I am sorry for your pain, truly. I am about to become unable to have any more babies. Not that I was planning on it, but to know it is final is a hard thing. I can't say I know your pain, but I do feel for you. I have a sister that is not going to have children. I know her pain.
Hey Wendy, It's Randi Wright. I randomly swing by your blog when finding it through others. Your strength has always amazed me! You are such a stong, amazing woman. Although my infertility was only a short period compared to what you have been through, I totally understand when you say that the talk of pregnancy and child bearing seems to be in every conversation. My heart aches for you. There is nothing that can take your pain away, and it's okay to be sad. Just know that there are so many people out there that feel for you, although we can't even imagine what you feel. You inspire so many with your strength! YOU ARE AMAZING WENDY!
Thanks so much for the kind words! I knew I would get some very nice comments...and truly I wrote this for me. But it so touching to feel your love. I appreciate it so much everyone!
My Daddy always told me that pain builds character~ Your character already exceeds the highest possibility and expectation of goodness~ May your pain be very short lived and the love you give freely come right back to you for comfort. I love you Wendy! It will all be ok!
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