Bad Mommy.

I still can only post from my IPad so pics will be nonexistent for now. Just had to get this recorded. I'm sure that I will look back on this little episode with ever changing emotions. Right now I'm kinda laughing. If I had posted on the day it happened I would have only felt frustration and shame. You see, last week Alan was on a trip for work. Lilly was especially difficult on Tuesday and Wednesday. "The incident" took place on the afternoon of Wednesday...my nerves were frayed...my last straw was clearly visible. As Lil was presenting an especially obstinate demeanor, I broke. I said "Well, if you don't want to contribute a more cooperative attitude in our family then I'll just find a new family for you." "OK!" she retorted. A few minutes later I revealed to her that I had indeed found a family that would take her. "Let's go! I want to meet them," she said. We got in the car and backed out of the garage, fully expecting that she would break first and plead to stay and be better. No such luck. I drove slowly through our neighborhood. "Is it close? Will I be able visit you guys?" she asked. I was stalling...why wasn't she telling me to take her back home? I drove slowly and answered her questions while trying to direct the conversation. "You know we love you and would miss you terribly." "Don't you just want to stay with us and try to get along better?" "This new family will expect you to do your chores, too and not hit or scream." "Why don't you
come home?"

She wanted to meet this new family. She seemed excited at the prospect. I was wishing I could drop her off at a friends house and get them to show her just how great her real family is. But all I could do was slowly wind around the neighborhood streets. She thought we were far
from home. Meanwhile, Max was home, wondering where we had gone. He called my cell phone and
came over the bluetooth. "Where are you guys going?" "Mom's driving me to a new family," Lilly yelled from the back seat. "What? Are you really Mom?" I couldn't answer the truth so I
stayed quiet. Max started trying to convince Lil how good she actually had it and what a
gamble going to new family is. "Lilly! A new family will probably be mean! They won't put up
with you like we do. We at least love you!" I found it so sweet to hear this cute, battle-scarred brother begging his sister to realize how good she has it. He could hear the
enthusiasm in Lilly's voice and it concerned him. He turned his case back to me. "Mom are you really taking her?" "Don't worry Max. It'll work out." I was aware that I had to go home so I
started making my way back. As we turned into our driveway Lilly recognized where we were and
she yelled, "What?! No! Not this place!" She proceeded to cry for 5 minutes until her
attention was taken away by a game of sliding down the stairs in a sleeping bag with her best
buddy, Max.

Later in the evening Lilly and I snuggled on the couch. I wanted to make sure she felt wanted. That is the shame I felt. Though I never told her I wanted to give her away, I worried she had felt that. I had had enough and was almost willing to look for a new home for my dear girl. I
worried that I had communicated that to her and done damage. Frayed nerves returned to healthy
nerves and I was able to see things from a better perspective. We both got much needed sleep
that night and woke to a renewed desire to love and hug and kiss each other. Lil was notably
better the next day. That helped so much! Hopefully we both learned from this episode and can
look back and laugh. I can chuckle at the "What?! No! Not this place!" but even that carries a
tinge of pain. This parenting stuff hard! Hopefully, I will learn all that Lilly was sent to
teach me without too much hair loss and heartache. Hopefully, Lilly will survive my mistakes
from learning on the job!